He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
