I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
