Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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