We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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