Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
