My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Terrible idea I love it
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
