did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
