I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
