my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
