so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
