hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And then he peed in my hair
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