If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
