My sheets look like a crime scene.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
