we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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