You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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