I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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