On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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