I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Randomize
