Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
