I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
