Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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