Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
