So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
