if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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