Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
