Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
