Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
