If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
