I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
