its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
