I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
