everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
