Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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