literally had 100 drinks last night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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