You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Enjoy the penises
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
