Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
