I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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