I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Randomize
