Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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