If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
