Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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