I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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