i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
