In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I love having hate sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
