Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
