New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
