I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
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Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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