forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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