Cold hands, warm shart.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Randomize
