Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am midnight drunk by noon
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
