Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
