Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
