youre lurking in front of me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
